Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Randomize
