And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
I feel like a drive thru vagina
You should frame my arrest warrant.
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
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