fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
Randomize
