Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
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