god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
two words...techno handjob
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
Randomize
