Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
