I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
Randomize
