I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
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