get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
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