Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
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