We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
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