you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
i think my tv is drunk
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
Randomize
