hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
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