You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
I cNt phones. tingles in my fingles. jingles
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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