Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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