I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
Randomize
