Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
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