bahahahaha i would laugh soo hard if someone did this for me hahahaha this guy would become my best friend
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
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