I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
hows the new call of duty?
I only had sex with the game case so far, but that part was awesome.
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
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