So I'm sober and underage, being hit on by a groom-to-be with braces...is it a bad thing that I'm enjoying it?
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
I need a burrito and a hug.
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
