Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
