a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
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