Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
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