I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
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