We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
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