She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
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