Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
I'm 90% sure a girl here is wearing a bra strap as a headband.
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
Randomize
