FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
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