you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
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