i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
Dude it's SB. It's a proven fact that all you need to survive on is beer, weed, chips and maybe some amphetamines
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
Randomize
