the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
Randomize
