I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
She had her pubic hair down there shaved into the superman s............. Best one night stand ever.
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
