I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Randomize
