...so i touched it.
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
Randomize
