i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
so my class lasted 15 minutes this morning because this kid puked all over himself..only at radford
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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