I cannot find my penis.
I will be home in 10 min. Dont be beating off on the couch
enter at your own risk
We're pretty sure the 'pocket' aspect of the hot pocket is unnecessary. Testing our theory now.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
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