Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
