hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
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