I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
I'm way too hungover for life right now
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
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