Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
You dont understand. she was my french AND spanish teacher. that's 2 kinds of freaky. i have to find her on facebook.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
