I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
please come you make the beer taste better
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
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