I murdered the dance floor call the cops
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
he said no girl had ever swallowed his cum before
he probably also told you he thought u were pretty
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
Randomize
