I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize
