but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
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