hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
who are you?
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