Who has a tranny cab driver? I have a tranny cab driver.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
Randomize
