He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
Randomize
