Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
I only know one person in my class and that's my dealer.
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Randomize
