Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
I can't put those talents on a resume
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
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