Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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