"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
She's just so happy...and so naked.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
Randomize
